Readers, do you ever wish you could go back in time?
Weirdly enough that is exactly what happened to me this morning in a dream, and it left me shocked by how it impacted my emotions in reality.
In short, in this dream I was sent back to my dad's house in high school. I was in my old room, with my puppy dog, and in the same body as my high school tennis self. It began as this workman entering my current room with the intentions of fixing shelves. Yet, as he was poking around and moving my items he started chanting these odd chants that gave me a funny feeling. I promptly asked him to stop chanting and just finish the shelves and then, in an instant, I was waking up in my past life.
I could smell the bacon being cooked downstairs, and see the infant development of my now 6 year old dog Mika. I ran over to her and cuddled up with her outside of our old linen closet grasping at her in disbelief. She was so small! I thought to myself, I miss when she was dainty enough to hold in my hands. I spent a good amount of time with her here. Just staring into her eyes lamenting on times of past and how much she, and I, have grown since those days.
The dream came to its climax when my dad came barreling up the stairs to show me all of the items I needed to move out of his bathroom. (Yes for some reason in this dream I had piles of packed away items in his Master Bath.) And, while cradling Mika, I tried to explain to both my dad and this strange lady (who I didn't recognize) that I've been here before, and I in fact traveled back in time. My message was being drowned out by the increasing volume of music the mysterious lady was playing on her speaker, and the dream ended abruptly.
Yet, even though the dream ended, the feelings of old resided. I promptly woke, shell shocked for many reasons. The painful nostalgia of being in my old house with my old set up reminded me too well of the days of old too. And I was rather sad over the whole experience. It brought up not only the memories, but the emotions of that time of my life as well which was a mental exercise in itself. See, I was happy to be back to where things once were. I was with my precious pooch whom I spent all my time with, and back in my childhood home which was a major comfort zone for me. Yet, I also was dealing with the repressed emotions of that time, and my go to "yes man"attitude that I displayed so I would never upset my father or cause conflict. It left me reeling with mixed emotions.
The question I was left with was do I really want to travel back in time?
This question is silly enough and not even probable, but still I think for myself and others, it's a frequent possibility that we lament on. Not in the reality, but in our minds. As humans with long term memory, we have the advantage or disadvantage of remembering years and years worth of experiences. All of those memories add up, on nights when you are already upset, or times you are trying to piece together reasoning for unthinkable or random occurrences. All this to say, even though we might know we can't actually go back in time, a lot of us still spend a lot of time in the past.
Actually going to the past if only for a short period showed me how much I've romanticized those experiences. I loved many aspects of my high school life, such as funny memories with my friends, and happy habits with my dad and dog. But, there were a lot of difficult points too. I was deeply depressed over my parents divorce and had a really difficult time expressing my emotions to others. And this dream showed me how even though I don't actively think about this time of my life very often I still carry it with me in many ways. And in reality, the part that says she doesn't want to live in the past is partly lying, because there IS comfort in the experiences and places of our past. But, what may have been comforting before might not have been healthy, and that is a hard pill to swallow.
Since those days my life is very different. We've since moved out of that house and I can no longer pick up Mika with ease. And even though my life is VERY different than what it used to be it is also a lot better in many ways too.
This experience has shown me the importance of living for the grey area. To accept that life is never fully good or bad, and we can feel nostalgia and sadness at the same time for different reasons. And really I wouldn't take back any of the experiences of my past, even if that means I wouldn't go back to them either.
But, also my stint in the Time Machine also showed me why to cherish the small moments of everyday, like just sitting and holding things you love because everything in life changes. And there truly are some moments you can never get back.
Would you go back in time? Let me know your thoughts in the comments!
See you next time readers!