Hey readers, I am genuinely glad to be writing here again. I keep thinking and thinking about my comeback to the blogosphere but something (myself) seems to have stopped me every time.
No more though, I am going to stop getting in my own way.
Lately I've just been writing poetry. For myself, in a beat up pink notebook, with chicken scratch drawings that make no sense, to match words and line breaks that reflect the short ended thoughts in my head. Yet, I think my propensity for these short poems has been born from an internal impatience with myself. I've lacked a fundamental trust in the process, of time, or failure that is critical for any good writer.
Starting with a blank page is scary, so I opt for writings which fill up the page fast to ease the discomfort I feel from not knowing. Not knowing where I'm going with this, not knowing who my audience is, or where my voice lies as a writer.
And still, here I am, trying to fight against that nature by free writing on my ancient blog in hopes for inspiration.
It's almost sad for me to look back at all of my painstakingly thought out old posts that inspired myself more than they did anyone else. Not because I don't think I could do those again, but because I think I can. I had such an fire in my belly for this blog when I first started it. Staying up all night to finish posts on time, mapping out outlines and ideas in my free time in between classes. So, in truth, a part of me looks at those old posts and is mourning lost time filled with self-pity and guilt over my lack of action. But, today I am here to drop the facade of someone who has it all figured out and embrace the reality of a person with faults and challenges they must face. That in itself is a scary line to write because I've curated an image for myself here. As the inspirational old soul who is happily learning every day. But, that readers is not me. Who I am is someone who is insecure and anxious and intelligent and funny and whimsical and quirky ALL wrapped into one. I am so much more than what I've told you so far, and so my new goal now is not to perfect my image, but to live my truth. The truth of who I am and what I want, where my goals lie and where they don't. Whether or not anyone cares. Because living for other people is really tiring. I am finally going to find out how to be authentically me and OKAY with it. The good and the bad, the hard and the easy. And I hope to take you guys along for the ride.
I don't know who of you have ever felt bad body image, but I seem to have felt it my whole life. Growing up a chunky monkey that always felt uncomfortable in bathing suits and in XL shirts next to my small and skinny friends, I always felt outcasted because of my size. Not in the way that makes me un-friendable, or a bad person, but in the way that people always look me over as just the side character to other, more pretty people's main story.
It's a tough thing, this black sheep mentality, especially with body image because it never seems to go away. Even at my smallest a size 4 I felt huge because I wasn't a 0 like all of my friends, and now if only twice that smallest size I feel as if I am failing because I am not smaller. This sadistic mind game I've played is why for years I have struggled with bulimia. An unpretty and ugly sickness which has broken down my body and my relationship to it for years. I used to wish I had an eating disorder when I was younger to make my life easier, but I can promise younger me that this disorder has only made my life more challenging.
To spare myself the drain, and you all the details I won't go into the background of my story yet, if ever, but just know that it has taken me years to come to terms with this problem of mine. And I am finally done lying to everyone that I am okay when I am not.
So this is now my space. To heal through radical honesty with the internet Gods and myself.
And if this isn't what you signed up for I get it. Feel free to take yourself off the email list at any time. But I am done caring what people will think if they know because I am now making it known at least to the few people that will see this. And that is the start I will take.
My heart genuinely loves to write and to create new meaning with words, so this won't all be commentary on my ED. Instead, all I want this space to be from now on is a reminder of the strengths I have that are not my appearance, and to help me heal in the process that suits me best, word by word.
I don't know how often I'll be here or what you can expect, but just expect content that inspires my soul, is authentically me, and helps me get better.
Cheers to whatever that may be.